| an endless ride just slips right through |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|09:31 pm] |
Just had a lovely time with my lovely friends. Good friends are always a fun time.
So. Is it better to do things to get your mind off of a topic, or to deal with the issue so that in turn, doing things would be more enjoyable? I guess it is always best to deal with an issue if you can actually do something to remedy the situation. I think I'm good at doing things to get my mind off of the issue and then I come home and realize Shit, it still exists.
I have instead been told that when my mind and heart are in a good place, it can happen. |
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| simple or complex? unsimple. |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|11:49 pm] |
I was updating my myspace profile (which I find myself doing more and more often ... I wonder if anyone even notices that it even changes) and I was trying to write an "about me." First I tried to describe myself as simple. I think I am simple. Simple in that it is easy for me to just be.
I think the challenge, however, is that I'm not so simple. And it's not so simple for an unsimple person to find a significant person who can know all of the unsimple person. And much less, accept all of the unsimple person. And that, my friend, is my latest theory on why I do not seem to be a compatible person.
( Read more ) |
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| it quacked |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|02:07 am] |
It is a good quality to be easily amused. It is not only amusing to oneself, but also to others.
Today was breakfast with the techies. I can't believe we've known eachother for three years now. It's amazing that we all have such different lives and different social groups, but it is so easy to get along with each of them.
In the book I'm reading, "Stumbling on Happiness," the author is alluding to the concept of relative happiness. It goes along the lines of "If ignorance is bliss ..." I guess the author is comparing different people's comprehension of happiness. Is my level 9 on the happiness scale to same amount of happiness felt by another person's level 9 on the happiness scale? Or is my level 9 someone else's level 2, because I've never felt the amount of happiness that corresponds to that person's level 9? Hmm. I've always thought that I would want to be most educated and aware of my surroundings, but what if we all felt that ultimate happiness, and because we could never achieve it on a daily, weekly, or yearly basis, we are rarely happy at all? I guess that is life ... where it is good to be optimistic and persevering, in order to reach that better feeling, and when it comes, we can be happy in that moment.
It's a wonder. I have come to the conclusion that Bellingham is my happy place. And it can be my happy place for the place that it is and the people (person) who is there. I have realized that I ever so rarely can feel that geniune feeling of happiness, the uncontrollable laughter, and complete freedom of any care in the world that I feel when I am in my happy place. |
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| ty ty |
[Aug. 6th, 2006|03:05 pm] |
It's such a beautiful day outside. I am trying to decide if I should suck it up and go enjoy the world or just lay back and get some rest. Hmm. What to do.
What to do with my life. I was asked what my so called untouchable goals were. I think I'd like to live somewhere else. No, I'm not running away. I don't have anything to run away from. Things are fine here and I wouldn't be running, but leaving. Leaving my friends and fam and everything I have taken 23 years to establish here. I'd go to Chicago or even Portland or Michigan or somewhere near water. Not likely, however. I'd like to do something with volunteering and traveling. I wouldn't get paid anything, but really, what the heck am I in such a hurry for? For settling down? For finding my "soulmate"? Sorry, but I'm not one who just wants to wait for my life to arrive on my doorstep. It would just be too easy. I'd like to go back to school. The problem is that I am extremely interested in career paths that are less promising than the one I am currently pursuing. My job is cushy. I'd love to work for community health or the state health department, but both areas are underappreciated and under funded. It would be difficult for me to work "backwards," well, as far as going to more school, then having a worse job. Then there is the gauge of happiness.
I would have always thought that I'd be easy to get along with in a relationship. Now, I just wonder .... do I pick them, or do they pick me?? |
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| the cutest rice krispy treat ever |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|04:37 pm] |
I just got back from Bellingham a few hours ago. On Sunday night, Naomers and I discussed a possible trip to Bellingham, and I decided to hop on the Greyhound on Monday morning for a little excursion to my fav retreat. The bus ride there was pleasant, uncrowded, and quite quick. Naomi and I had coffee at Bay Street, then proceeded to the park for a chat and nap. We then headed to the famous taco truck, which has a valid reason for being so famous. Yum. We went to Boundary that night, which is definitely my fav place. Good music, cute boys (and girls), potent alcohol, and dancing!!!! I must learn to waltz, however. Must. Woke up in the morn, breakfast, bus. Good times.
Thought for the day. Why do we play the game? Is it to make life, love, and relationships more dynamic? And when can the game be over? I want to say it is when security and boundaries are established, but it doesn't even end there. Communication. It's something I liked to think I could accomplish, but I am far, far, far from it. |
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| aggression or ouch? |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|12:40 am] |
Last week I used the term "food aggression" and it just seemed to fit the mood so well. Blake, Doc, Jeff, Jorge and I had just gone kayaking, agua verde shut its windows, and there was some definite food aggression in the air. I remember how intense food aggression was in my college years (by the way, I can't believe that I can say "when I was in college ..." I'm old. And I know it. I was at the Torchlight parade and all the beautiful UW cheerleaders went by, and I couldn't get past the fact that they are, in fact, younger than I. and beautiful. Did I already mention that?) Thus, feelings of aggression (and not just food, for that matter) have just been surfacing and although I am trying to redirect this aggression (towards my very fiesty punching bag), it is bound to come out (and believe me, it has ... I just need to snap out of it sometimes). The problem that I'm facing is whether what I feeling is aggression, or just ouch? I think the word "aggression," in my context, is not as intense as it is intended to be used ... I think aggression in a true context is in line with hostility and force, whereas my idea of aggression is more like a feeling that promotes a "grr." Although, when I am thinking "grr," I sometimes also get that sinking heart feeling, which is where the ouch comes in. Which leads me to the thought, and the basis of this entire aggression and ouch convo ... Is it better to know, or not to know?
I would love to think that it is better to not know, but I know that I want to know. So I do. Or at least try to. And when I find out what I know, or at least tried to know, the aggression and ouch come out. And then I wish I didn't know, and never tried to know. Hmm. Pondering.
I spend a lot of time with my coworkers. Seventy hours a week with. That's a hell of a lot of time to spend with someone. And we have some in depth discussions (we have a bit of time to do so) about life. And the one I can't seem to get out of my head is the convo that we had where the main clincher was "Is this it?" I'm not sure how expectations are built so highly, but I think I often feel that way, where I am wanting something for so long, and then, come two weeks later, I just have to laugh at the outcome and the feelings I have about the outcome. Am I really that much happier after I obtain what I always thought I wanted? Is it because I have a short attention span, and I am simply bored with life? Or do I not know what I really wanted in the first place? I'm hoping that I just don't know what I want yet. Because if the attention span ordeal is the problem ... then ultimately, I'm never going to be satisfied. Which makes me try to live in a way that I am ultimately the outcome. Sounds selfish. But, on the other hand, perhaps it is the best way for no one to have to depend on you, and for you to have to depend on no one. It's kind of that optimal time when the world would not suffer without you. And although I love my family and friends, I have no dependents. Which in some ways, is a grand feeling. And in other ways, is a completely desolate feeling. |
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| blinky the eyelash mite |
[Nov. 8th, 2005|06:30 pm] |
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So two and a half more hours and my cell phone minutes begin again! I've been so lonely not being able to use my phone. I think I have used exactly 1000 minutes. Today I did a lot of cooking so that I hopefully won't have to cook for the next week. We'll see. My chocolate cake turned out to be more like brown cake. Hmm. I didn't do too well. In other news ... tonight we're celebrating Bin's birthday which is way exciting. I like birthday potties!! And other than that, not much else. |
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| until our dying days |
[Nov. 7th, 2005|08:32 am] |
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Wow, it's been a while since an update. I've since become obsessed with My Space, and perhaps that explains my lack of live journaling. I'm currently in the middle of my seven days off, but I know that work is quickly approaching. Which is not a terrible thing, work is coming along quite well and I love my coworkers. I don't have ... anything planned for today, which is the best thing I can do for myself. Nothing really new, life is crazy as always but a much different crazy than I've ever experienced. |
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| hold your head high heavy heart. |
[Jun. 9th, 2005|01:56 am] |
I think I've made a terrible mistake to procrastinate so long ... It's morning and I'm going to the airport to drop off Farrah in a matter of hours, and I have to still rewrite my paper and I have a presentation this afternoon. Well I guess that will make for an interesting day at least. Today was our program graduation! It was nice and small and fun. I was so happy that Roosevelt got an award. I was really fighting for them, and (as Ly and I determined) if I myself cannot win an award, at least I can facilitate someone else getting an award. I liked how all the quotes were directly from the nomination I turned in about them. A little embarrassing because it may have been evident that I was the writer (who else writes "happy camper") but all in all worth it. We went to Val's tonight; it felt good hangin out with the techies. Sang some karaoke, roasted marshmallow, did some twirls ... everything that makes a good day. It was also Farrah's birthday but she was quite busy, and then by the time she got home, it was packing time/bed time for both, so we supposed it was best to wait for tomorrow (today). Anyhow I think I should either crack down on that paper or go to sleep ... I should probably be doing anythig but updating a little live journal. |
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| mistakes we knew we were making .... |
[Jun. 7th, 2005|10:09 pm] |
Graduation? Saturday? I'm pretty unemotional about it. Hawaii? Sunday? I'm also feeling mediocre about it. Maybe things just aren't setting in yet, but maybe I just don't want to think about the future right now. I had one of those days that I just wanted to curl up in a ball in bed. Maybe because the presentation room was really cold, but maybe just because I feel like I have all this pressure built up inside my noggin that really needs to be released. So in a nutshell: school's good, old friends are good, new friends are good. "You can't make new old friends" but my old friends are the ones who are always there and the best friends one could ask for. New friends are fun, but they come and go, and now is a time when I don't know if they are coming or going. I like a boy, but he's definitely going ... perhaps now is the time to start over, a clean slate perhaps? I wouldn't know where to begin. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2005|03:22 pm] |
october fall
days away
terminal (!)
anberlin
buy
motion city
finch |
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| earth below us drifting falling floating weightless |
[Feb. 10th, 2005|06:43 pm] |
I can't wait! Only one more week at this place. Then, hopefully fun!
I've had a good week outside of work. I like having somewhat scheduled events for the week. Monday I had dinner at Greenlake and hung out with my bro and sis and friends. Very nice. Tuesday was movie night, except this was one especially special movie night. We made grilled salmon and watched Empire Records. How fancy it was! I was very impressed with us. Wednesday was Courtney day. We went to Cranium's and we caught up on the past week. Today I was supposed to go to Micro seminar but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Then Mitchell wanted to have dinner, and then Andrew wanted to go to the Piano bar. Hmm, I'm at home instead. I'm not really up for anything today. Plus, I did really poorly on my test last week, so this week has to be an improvement. I talked to Erin today also, on my way home from school. It took an hour and a half to get home. grr.
So I was annoyed last week because I didn't get a raise after working there for three years, but I definitely have a new stance. I work there for fun. Should I even care how much I'm getting paid? I think I'm just mad because I'm pretty loyal to the company and because I feel good about the company, I want to help them out more ... I don't think company's really work that way in return. So I thought that maybe my manager just wants me to quit. I think I'm having a discussion with her on Sunday. We'll see. It would be nice to have Saturday's off, but then it's also nice to have a few hundred dollars more each month. hmm.
So in other news Ben texted me saying something like "a pastor told me that love is freedom. Sorry I didn't give you that." What the heck? Was that an invitation to text him back? I didn't. |
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| i can see the sun's already shining, it's gonna be a perfect day |
[Feb. 6th, 2005|10:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | furrowed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | alice deejay | ] |
Oh, tired.
I'm having trouble knowing what there is to look forward to these days. I can't seem to wait until the day at work/school is over, but then what? I like being with my friends for sure, but then by the time I see them it's time to go again.
Today paid work wasn't too good. Well it was good until the last 15 minutes when everything went to hell. I'm glad that was over. I keep trying to remember when I started the job because it only lasts for one year and that has to be coming up soon. It's unfortunate that I don't like it though because I think that is what my major is all about. Great.
Yesterday was fun/unfun. Work in the morning was fine. I guess I'm not really worth it to Ivar's to keep around. My manager who likes me had to give me my review and she felt so bad for me because it was a pretty crappy review. Then sushi at Bin's was great, thanks Bin for everything! That was the fun part. Then back to Ivar's, good thing I'm bitter about Ivar's but I can't say no to them. It was busy the last 10 minutes there, but it was okay because the customers were grateful and tip friendly.
Gosh is that really a weekend? |
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| crazy piano |
[Feb. 2nd, 2005|10:53 pm] |
I just got back from the best bar ever! Well I can't say the best, but it was fun. It was the dueling piano-ers, and they were just so funny. Oh and the waiter guy was cute, and that definitely does something for the place.
I saw Court today, I visited her apt and we went to Urban. She sounds like she's doing quite well. Wednesday is now her day.
Tomorrow I must study. Another endless day at Children's though. Again. |
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| i'll see you at seven, i miss you already |
[Jan. 31st, 2005|10:00 pm] |
I can't stop listening to TSL. I think I have had a revival of happy pop punk.
Although I have nothing new and exciting going on, I have been told that it doesn't matter if it's new and exciting. What matters is that I update. So update I shall.
Well today was work and I was falling asleep at the microscope so I decided I would have to entertain myself. So I made myself laugh so hard that I couldn't contain it and I do admit, a few chuckles were released. Nobody commented. But that doesn't mean that no one noticed.
I went to Farrah's after work and we were going to go in her hot tub but instead she cleaned her room and I did homework. Much more productive. She's filling her room with plastic tubs.
Tomorrow is movie day (finally!) and how exciting is that! The Cutting Edge! My fav movie. Of all times? I'm not sure. I do feel social this week though, how nice it is to have friends again. |
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| in other words .... |
[Jul. 12th, 2004|02:24 pm] |
fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars ...
today our program we had a pot luck. how fun for us techies to join together and have fun times. i think tennis is this afternoon. and then the bars later this week? we'll see. i don't think i'll ever be a bar person, however hard i try (which i won't try too hard i'm sure)
i had a final today in UA. it was okay. i did fine on the practical so it's just a matter of finishing this computer program thingie that i'm supposed to be doing ... right now.
tomorrow is limbeck! and the format the next day. i'm really excited to see the format, i think more than limbeck just because i'm more in love with their music. but... ohhhhh, patrick and the drummer, they're such nice people. it's important to be nice if you're in a band. it really keeps naomi and i going back. heehee, we're going to wear our matching dolour shirts we got on friday. me, green, her, yellow. that was the latest show i'm ever going to go to. it didn't get out till 1:30. crazy.
warped tour was okay. mae was great, although i missed the first part. yc was nice too, but it's sad because i think i must let them go. story of the year was amazingly good. i fell asleep for the first part but i woke up and was pleasantly surprised. oh, i would never go to the warped tour without naomi again though.
i'm trying to go to japan next fall (of 2005). i need to try to convince my mom that it would be a good idea. i think it will be a great idea if i'm able to take my board exam without graduating from the university. If not, then maybe I'll do a jet program.
geez these computers at odie are slow |
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| the chicken dance |
[May. 31st, 2004|07:31 pm] |
what's that one word, when there's an ice cream cone and it falls off and lands on the ground?
i went to a fun little place, cafe ladro.
farrah came home, so did naomi the wonderful, this weekend.
bun and i studied lots, and i met a friend of his. his friend is friends with a fun japanese band who is going to come to seattle and be big! well i think so at least.
i have my last day of training at Harborview tomorrow. And then I'm on my own! |
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| play before work! |
[Apr. 21st, 2004|01:01 pm] |
Interesting week it's been so far.
I'm working tonight and I sure do hope I get sent home early. 8:00 please? Thanks. I just know I'm going to fall asleep in my next lecture, it's Dr. Rainey, he's a funny little guy. A very intelligent one, but just a sleeping kind of lecture. Then work work work I go to smell like fish.
Yum. Fish. Ben and I made fish last night and it was so yummy. and baby corn. mmmmm.
In lab today we talked about the "miracle drug" phen phen ... i hadn't even heard of it but maybe it's a good thing because it caused sudden death to people with an obsure genetic defect. Who knows, I could have some obscure genetic defect. Well, I guess it depends what is defined as a defect.
Yay! I'm going to learn about amoebas soon. I think Shaq looks like quite the amoeba. |
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| oh thank heaven .... for |
[Apr. 20th, 2004|12:18 pm] |
seven eleven, four twenty, one eight seven ... they're just numbers, aren't they?
thanks for coming and trying to visit yesterday. my mom was so excited that you guys went. she left a message on my phone and was ecstatic!! fun.
i miss you guys. |
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